BOMBAY people not Mum-bai

Lataji wants no flyovers,I want hookers(thats how us Catholics refer to the ubiquitious hookah),Aargh Aargh wants a penile implant,my wife wants a sensitive man, Raj wants to be intelligent and wear a 2 piece bikini on Independence Day, guess who gets satisfied?.. Our 80 year old Madonna/prune, who gets to inconvenience all the poor sods who go downtown.Now look here if I have to get a carbon dated vaginal implant to get shit done CUT MY BALLS OFF AND BUILD ME AN OLD PUSSY....

Today I wake up and Ms. Digshit is on the front page. She`s won an erection like they say in Japan and looks like that to me. Now for a sobbing Bombay bloke who the fuck wants to see granny looking like shes had her first orgasm? With a name like that her goal is clear,smelly and plausible.

If I`m not made CM I will personally moon the state assembly screamed Mr. Rane.For a man oos parents thought they had twins when he was born (his face and ass looked identical)he is a downright pain . Just listen to me you LABIA LIPPED LEPRECHAUN you can go down on yourself and it would be completely normal.

What the hell is being done about our security in our city pray tell me?Who the fuck is calling the shots here? Vilarse is gone,so has Aargh aargh,the candle bearers have all united and fuck knows all terrorists are mortified of wax deposits,so hear me out me when I whisper HEEEEEELP!!
Some ideas for complete peace,from our leading lights.

Shobha Day: To get together lets form a Greek circle with a finger in each others bums. Pity the bastards who have a raajma eating North Indian ahead but in the spirit of togetherness lets just do it.Lets start with the CM and finish with Barkha if shes still here.For those not anally trained like me please use the paraffin from the Gateway it will help...

Parmeshwar: Let us all pull our hair back till our foreheads are one with our arseholes.We must present a united front imagine the kind of shock if the Pakis see 20 million wrinkled pussies on the border.What fun snort...snort...hrrmph...

Alick: I will write a play about an overrated advertising despot who called himself the second coming. Then over bhel puri and jaljeera( who the fuck wants to spend on parties huh?)we can talk about changing the world and teach parents that behind every successful child is a grinning pedophile hee hee hee.

Muff Hussain: I will paint another Hindu goddess with 12 breasts and a penis sticking out of her head this will make the janta very happy and me too!In any case I decide what the painting is only after I finish in the true spirit of post hoc rationalism.For added texture I eat the pao bhaji at Sardars at Tardeo and consume a whole strip of Purgolax.Then I let fly on a blank canvas and this is why most of my works have a grainy texture.

Advani: I will pull my head out of my bum and breathe deeply.By doing this twice a year I get to ingest actual facts and take a break from the dank smell of Sai bhaji,and the other stuff I have`nt been able to crap out.My party will vow to destroy their saffron filtered lenses and realise that our flag is a tricolor.

Raj: I wish to thank all our manoos who died in the terror attacks. All the people who died in the different venues were all called Kulkarni.I am going to erect a small cock at Dadar in their honor when I manage to straighten my back,its been cramped and stale next to my bedpan where I have been for the last FUCKING MONTH!!!

Nana Chodhasama: Me and my daughter(the one with a single eyebrow)are donating our bodies for public use. Wait a minute she tells me my daughter has already been doing that so thats enough then from us Chodhasamas...

Pretty: I am going to give 2 kgs of coke to anyone who can crack this mystery.My inlaws have floated a company ages ago almost predicting this kind of eventuality.. `Bombay Dying`. Is`nt that sweet!Now fuck this crying and all hic...hicc..

Lets not forget that when Babur invaded us he needed virtually no force to establish his rule. We have had this attitude that every erect phallus has to be accommodated. My appeal to the young of the nation:Please take active part in the country`s progress don`t let these publicity grabbing sons of the soil run rampant again. What we need is the French Revolution part 2.There are a couple of drives which are pro active such as the one not to pay our taxes. This is THE method to attract attention, crippling the exchequer.Sorry my brethren in Delhi I will not be funding your next Metro or new rumblers on Janpath I just want a cleaner and happier home and don`t remember the last time anyone from Patna gave a fuck about us.
From the Union Territory of Bombay
Floyd Fernandes