Lataji wants no flyovers,I want hookers(thats how us Catholics refer to the ubiquitious hookah),Aargh Aargh wants a penile implant,my wife wants a sensitive man, Raj wants to be intelligent and wear a 2 piece bikini on Independence Day, guess who gets satisfied?.. Our 80 year old Madonna/prune, who gets to inconvenience all the poor sods who go downtown.Now look here if I have to get a carbon dated vaginal implant to get shit done CUT MY BALLS OFF AND BUILD ME AN OLD PUSSY....
Today I wake up and Ms. Digshit is on the front page. She`s won an erection like they say in Japan and looks like that to me. Now for a sobbing Bombay bloke who the fuck wants to see granny looking like shes had her first orgasm? With a name like that her goal is clear,smelly and plausible.
If I`m not made CM I will personally moon the state assembly screamed Mr. Rane.For a man oos parents thought they had twins when he was born (his face and ass looked identical)he is a downright pain . Just listen to me you LABIA LIPPED LEPRECHAUN you can go down on yourself and it would be completely normal.
What the hell is being done about our security in our city pray tell me?Who the fuck is calling the shots here? Vilarse is gone,so has Aargh aargh,the candle bearers have all united and fuck knows all terrorists are mortified of wax deposits,so hear me out me when I whisper HEEEEEELP!!
Some ideas for complete peace,from our leading lights.
Shobha Day: To get together lets form a Greek circle with a finger in each others bums. Pity the bastards who have a raajma eating North Indian ahead but in the spirit of togetherness lets just do it.Lets start with the CM and finish with Barkha if shes still here.For those not anally trained like me please use the paraffin from the Gateway it will help...
Parmeshwar: Let us all pull our hair back till our foreheads are one with our arseholes.We must present a united front imagine the kind of shock if the Pakis see 20 million wrinkled pussies on the border.What fun snort...snort...hrrmph...
Alick: I will write a play about an overrated advertising despot who called himself the second coming. Then over bhel puri and jaljeera( who the fuck wants to spend on parties huh?)we can talk about changing the world and teach parents that behind every successful child is a grinning pedophile hee hee hee.
Muff Hussain: I will paint another Hindu goddess with 12 breasts and a penis sticking out of her head this will make the janta very happy and me too!In any case I decide what the painting is only after I finish in the true spirit of post hoc rationalism.For added texture I eat the pao bhaji at Sardars at Tardeo and consume a whole strip of Purgolax.Then I let fly on a blank canvas and this is why most of my works have a grainy texture.
Advani: I will pull my head out of my bum and breathe deeply.By doing this twice a year I get to ingest actual facts and take a break from the dank smell of Sai bhaji,and the other stuff I have`nt been able to crap out.My party will vow to destroy their saffron filtered lenses and realise that our flag is a tricolor.
Raj: I wish to thank all our manoos who died in the terror attacks. All the people who died in the different venues were all called Kulkarni.I am going to erect a small cock at Dadar in their honor when I manage to straighten my back,its been cramped and stale next to my bedpan where I have been for the last FUCKING MONTH!!!
Nana Chodhasama: Me and my daughter(the one with a single eyebrow)are donating our bodies for public use. Wait a minute she tells me my daughter has already been doing that so thats enough then from us Chodhasamas...
Pretty: I am going to give 2 kgs of coke to anyone who can crack this mystery.My inlaws have floated a company ages ago almost predicting this kind of eventuality.. `Bombay Dying`. Is`nt that sweet!Now fuck this crying and all hic...hicc..
Lets not forget that when Babur invaded us he needed virtually no force to establish his rule. We have had this attitude that every erect phallus has to be accommodated. My appeal to the young of the nation:Please take active part in the country`s progress don`t let these publicity grabbing sons of the soil run rampant again. What we need is the French Revolution part 2.There are a couple of drives which are pro active such as the one not to pay our taxes. This is THE method to attract attention, crippling the exchequer.Sorry my brethren in Delhi I will not be funding your next Metro or new rumblers on Janpath I just want a cleaner and happier home and don`t remember the last time anyone from Patna gave a fuck about us.
From the Union Territory of Bombay
Floyd Fernandes
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Wick in and wick out......
Candles blown,wicks inserted the purposeful strode away from the Taj and swept homeward careful not to use the trains especially the ones from VT which were on time but curiously quite devoid of that buzzing quality which is normal. Bombay is together and united bouncing back to face another day...Now children how many of us had a really nice drink and a fuck after Dandi march 2?...
At many hot spots freeloading celebrities in their whites stopped over for free drinks and the parties went on unabated.Here`s Anisha with a smile thats a mirror image of her crack only with more hair, from the National Dyke TV:
Anisha: I`m so shocked, so shocked that my pussy turned over and said meow..It was just terrible anyway heres Alick Paad-um- See enjoying what appears to be a Bloody Fairy,helllleo Alick!!!tell us about the iconic Taj and the freeloading you`ve done there..
Alick:(quickly getting rid of the bloodied fairy who hobbles away dripping) Hic... Its burnt the Taj is burnt where are the ball boys gone? Hic... I used to play with them in the lobby, a lot of fun hic... Where I met Dolly..hic and we then had Quasimodo a meteorite, all in the heritage wing...Hic and Mr.Tata never failed to say goodbye never, such a courteous man always bending over like his forefathers always, poor poor Mr.Tata.. Hic hic Goodbye,Tata,Goodbye,Tata ha ha hrrrmph hee hee heee!!!
Anisha: Errr! that was strange.. this chooth was God? Lets go over to Diana who now has Shobha Day, another shit eating local...
Diana: Shobha you are beautiful even at 70 your tits are firm and your bum cheeks absolutely hard like a rock men...How did you manage to look so fresh even though you have had 12 children and have a husband who still looks like he`s breast fed?
Shobha: (rolling up her vagina) Free food and a good fuck always keeps my twaacha glowing.I`m writing my new book `My brother is a homo, so what?`.And this year I`m planning another baby with my husband for the first time.Now shoooo while I fill my hip flask with free booze and my Rupa underwear with caviar. Thats the only way Dilip will eat me he he he hic..
Anisha : I`m with classical singer Bumsen Joshi.. Is`nt that a graphic name sir?
Bumsen: Fuck you little girl.... hic.Want to play a flute solo?
The party was well and truly flying but we have breaking news from Vikram at the studio,
Vikram: Get Mr. Rane some ice he`s jammed his lips in the studio door, fucker looks like a salami sandwich waiting to happen.Hey Mr. Rane did you know that your lips are like the labia of an elephant?
Mr. Rane: M for Morya , P for poha, C for chutney, L for Lundin ,A for Apooos,B for bwocks....
Vikram: Get the smelling salts for this genius.
Mr. Rane: S for Sonia, P for popat ,C for Chidambaram, D for dhoti,G for gota...
Vikram: Mr. Rane sorry about your loss...Where and what are you going to do now?
Mr. Rane: K for keel, C for Congress, A for Andwa,I for mee,( starts dancing in a slow grind thrusting his crotch forward)
Vikram: Errr..we have to leave! Mr. Rane has taken out the smallest set of privates I`ve ever seen and this is not looking good...
Anisha: An ambulance is in order, Vikram has just been blown and assaulted by a irate Mr. Rane.
Barkha and Simi please take over.
Simi: Helllleo Karan let me touch your testicles I want to feel your pain want to wipe those wrinkles away, want to kiss that anus, I just want to understand how a hairy arsewipe can make such intelligent cinema...Barkha please move that bum so I can see and smell again, thank you darling....
Karan: Barkha will you marry me? I have decided to come out of the closet.
This party and many political ones as well continue to mull over the irrelevant..In the weeks to come I am going to change myself and fuck changing the world. Its far too presumptuous and will not amount to much.I am not at the forefront of any activism and have come to the conclusion that I`m a vital cog in MY world.I`m going to help whenever I`m needed and do so anonymously.Till then I will focus on the fake bastards that plague our lives with lateral conversations that would make Kubrick look sterile.
At many hot spots freeloading celebrities in their whites stopped over for free drinks and the parties went on unabated.Here`s Anisha with a smile thats a mirror image of her crack only with more hair, from the National Dyke TV:
Anisha: I`m so shocked, so shocked that my pussy turned over and said meow..It was just terrible anyway heres Alick Paad-um- See enjoying what appears to be a Bloody Fairy,helllleo Alick!!!tell us about the iconic Taj and the freeloading you`ve done there..
Alick:(quickly getting rid of the bloodied fairy who hobbles away dripping) Hic... Its burnt the Taj is burnt where are the ball boys gone? Hic... I used to play with them in the lobby, a lot of fun hic... Where I met Dolly..hic and we then had Quasimodo a meteorite, all in the heritage wing...Hic and Mr.Tata never failed to say goodbye never, such a courteous man always bending over like his forefathers always, poor poor Mr.Tata.. Hic hic Goodbye,Tata,Goodbye,Tata ha ha hrrrmph hee hee heee!!!
Anisha: Errr! that was strange.. this chooth was God? Lets go over to Diana who now has Shobha Day, another shit eating local...
Diana: Shobha you are beautiful even at 70 your tits are firm and your bum cheeks absolutely hard like a rock men...How did you manage to look so fresh even though you have had 12 children and have a husband who still looks like he`s breast fed?
Shobha: (rolling up her vagina) Free food and a good fuck always keeps my twaacha glowing.I`m writing my new book `My brother is a homo, so what?`.And this year I`m planning another baby with my husband for the first time.Now shoooo while I fill my hip flask with free booze and my Rupa underwear with caviar. Thats the only way Dilip will eat me he he he hic..
Anisha : I`m with classical singer Bumsen Joshi.. Is`nt that a graphic name sir?
Bumsen: Fuck you little girl.... hic.Want to play a flute solo?
The party was well and truly flying but we have breaking news from Vikram at the studio,
Vikram: Get Mr. Rane some ice he`s jammed his lips in the studio door, fucker looks like a salami sandwich waiting to happen.Hey Mr. Rane did you know that your lips are like the labia of an elephant?
Mr. Rane: M for Morya , P for poha, C for chutney, L for Lundin ,A for Apooos,B for bwocks....
Vikram: Get the smelling salts for this genius.
Mr. Rane: S for Sonia, P for popat ,C for Chidambaram, D for dhoti,G for gota...
Vikram: Mr. Rane sorry about your loss...Where and what are you going to do now?
Mr. Rane: K for keel, C for Congress, A for Andwa,I for mee,( starts dancing in a slow grind thrusting his crotch forward)
Vikram: Errr..we have to leave! Mr. Rane has taken out the smallest set of privates I`ve ever seen and this is not looking good...
Anisha: An ambulance is in order, Vikram has just been blown and assaulted by a irate Mr. Rane.
Barkha and Simi please take over.
Simi: Helllleo Karan let me touch your testicles I want to feel your pain want to wipe those wrinkles away, want to kiss that anus, I just want to understand how a hairy arsewipe can make such intelligent cinema...Barkha please move that bum so I can see and smell again, thank you darling....
Karan: Barkha will you marry me? I have decided to come out of the closet.
This party and many political ones as well continue to mull over the irrelevant..In the weeks to come I am going to change myself and fuck changing the world. Its far too presumptuous and will not amount to much.I am not at the forefront of any activism and have come to the conclusion that I`m a vital cog in MY world.I`m going to help whenever I`m needed and do so anonymously.Till then I will focus on the fake bastards that plague our lives with lateral conversations that would make Kubrick look sterile.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Candles and cake.......
Hey chutiyas, other than boosting paraffin sales what in God`s name have we accomplished?In the true tradition of a bereaved state WE THE PEOPLE have lain to rest our dead dressed in white while stopping for cake and wine on the way back.....WE HAVE TO STOP PAYING OUR TAXES YOU PRICKS,not dressing up like Casper`s gay cousins and screeching into microphones in an incoherent cacophony. The poor pandus must have had their balls in a twist trying to control us passionate people some without make-up (fucking hideous you filmstars are man!) and all with a distincly different agenda.My friends say `Man what an incredible feeling` a line I used when I shagged for the first time . After the whites were gone the limp aftermath was reality.
The parties abounded on the way back from the candle march and mark my words after snorting a few lines and sending back copious quantities of booze, this will amount to fuckall.Will we without exception volunteer to help usher in military rule? If not fuck this tirade and lets cut to the lighter moments of WE THE PEOPLE at St. Xavier`s college my daddy`s alma mater.
Simi: Helleeeo Barkha you pear shaped reporter!! I`m appalled at whats been happening and pledge my sagging tits in support of whatever you want to do.
Barkha: Thats so generous of you Simi I`ve pledged my ass too,never had any tits....
Simi: Oh darling lets just give. You give then I will follow, we will fill our vaginas with wax and burn at the Gateway. The odor will keep everyone in a stupor and then we can continue with OUR line of reasoning..tee hee tee hee!!
Barkha: Simi I remember you humped Shashi on camera did`nt you? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmKHzers1Ds His reaction at around 1:48 into the clip is exactly what our PM felt after the attack.
Simi: Oooooh darling how embarrassing but true...Shashi was a big boy 2 inches when erect and 3 when flaccid,much like the government.Lets give Manu a hand the one that the Congress uses is callused and has left him in pain...poor winding,the darling has had no time to even jerk off in peace let us help please Barkha.
Breeeeeak!!! KY jelly commercial ding ding da ding!!!!!!!
Barkha: Been there done that Simi lets not digress I feel we have a greater goal lets ask the audience!
Suhel: Given the ramifications of inept.....(audience roll their eyes) `arre ye batliya ke gaand mein kuch daal na?`
Audience: I feel we need to attack Pakistan. Send Suhel upfront, his language takes no prisoners after which we can send Barkha and Simi to dehydrate the population at Wagah.This is a three point operation the last phase will be sending Raj to do a ballet recital at the biggest madrassa in Islamabad.Shave his legs and buy him a tutu and a crotchless pantie.Lets win this war without any bloodshed just let them know that WE THE PEOPLE are not worth attacking because if you do who the fuck are you going to laugh at?
Audience2: Get Mukesh and Anil to run the country they already have us by the balls at least they wear suits unlike our new Homo Minister Mr. Chids who`s only weapon is flashing guys who disagree.
Audience3: No no lets have a dharna in the nude.Small cocks in the front and so on.We will light candles place them in our cracks and bend over to form an arrow.This will help whoever wants to bomb the fuck out of us to attack us then and there. Then Aargh Aargh and Vilarse can quickly run across the border scissoring all the way and create pandemonium across the LOC. Its a long shot but we are Indians wtf.
So on and so forth the battle waged... we are wankers and thrive on rhetoric there will be no solutions till a barbaric uprising will cleanse the system. We are trying but don`t know how to rid ourselves of the gremlins within. This is a personal rant and I`m as fucking inept as the rest but listen to your inner voice.I shudder to think whether the response would have been as `stirring` if the attack was in Nala Sopara outside an Udipi. This is my cynical half in overdrive :were the attacks on the rich a catalyst for these candle extravaganzas?Never seen so much as an aggarbatti during the ghastly train blasts, was that not enough? Maybe I`m completely off kilter but am airing my opinion for anyone who wants to question themselves.This system where a Singhania gets a 21 gun salute and a Doiphode or D`souza gets pigeon droppings at their funerals is at the root of our troubles.Lets stand shoulder to shoulder and AGREE on one thing we need change and we needed it ever since the constitution was drafted.
The parties abounded on the way back from the candle march and mark my words after snorting a few lines and sending back copious quantities of booze, this will amount to fuckall.Will we without exception volunteer to help usher in military rule? If not fuck this tirade and lets cut to the lighter moments of WE THE PEOPLE at St. Xavier`s college my daddy`s alma mater.
Simi: Helleeeo Barkha you pear shaped reporter!! I`m appalled at whats been happening and pledge my sagging tits in support of whatever you want to do.
Barkha: Thats so generous of you Simi I`ve pledged my ass too,never had any tits....
Simi: Oh darling lets just give. You give then I will follow, we will fill our vaginas with wax and burn at the Gateway. The odor will keep everyone in a stupor and then we can continue with OUR line of reasoning..tee hee tee hee!!
Barkha: Simi I remember you humped Shashi on camera did`nt you? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmKHzers1Ds His reaction at around 1:48 into the clip is exactly what our PM felt after the attack.
Simi: Oooooh darling how embarrassing but true...Shashi was a big boy 2 inches when erect and 3 when flaccid,much like the government.Lets give Manu a hand the one that the Congress uses is callused and has left him in pain...poor winding,the darling has had no time to even jerk off in peace let us help please Barkha.
Breeeeeak!!! KY jelly commercial ding ding da ding!!!!!!!
Barkha: Been there done that Simi lets not digress I feel we have a greater goal lets ask the audience!
Suhel: Given the ramifications of inept.....(audience roll their eyes) `arre ye batliya ke gaand mein kuch daal na?`
Audience: I feel we need to attack Pakistan. Send Suhel upfront, his language takes no prisoners after which we can send Barkha and Simi to dehydrate the population at Wagah.This is a three point operation the last phase will be sending Raj to do a ballet recital at the biggest madrassa in Islamabad.Shave his legs and buy him a tutu and a crotchless pantie.Lets win this war without any bloodshed just let them know that WE THE PEOPLE are not worth attacking because if you do who the fuck are you going to laugh at?
Audience2: Get Mukesh and Anil to run the country they already have us by the balls at least they wear suits unlike our new Homo Minister Mr. Chids who`s only weapon is flashing guys who disagree.
Audience3: No no lets have a dharna in the nude.Small cocks in the front and so on.We will light candles place them in our cracks and bend over to form an arrow.This will help whoever wants to bomb the fuck out of us to attack us then and there. Then Aargh Aargh and Vilarse can quickly run across the border scissoring all the way and create pandemonium across the LOC. Its a long shot but we are Indians wtf.
So on and so forth the battle waged... we are wankers and thrive on rhetoric there will be no solutions till a barbaric uprising will cleanse the system. We are trying but don`t know how to rid ourselves of the gremlins within. This is a personal rant and I`m as fucking inept as the rest but listen to your inner voice.I shudder to think whether the response would have been as `stirring` if the attack was in Nala Sopara outside an Udipi. This is my cynical half in overdrive :were the attacks on the rich a catalyst for these candle extravaganzas?Never seen so much as an aggarbatti during the ghastly train blasts, was that not enough? Maybe I`m completely off kilter but am airing my opinion for anyone who wants to question themselves.This system where a Singhania gets a 21 gun salute and a Doiphode or D`souza gets pigeon droppings at their funerals is at the root of our troubles.Lets stand shoulder to shoulder and AGREE on one thing we need change and we needed it ever since the constitution was drafted.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
A day in the life of war/terror journo.....
Kaboooooom kabishhhhhhh brrrk frrraaaaaat !!!!!Claaaaaaaaaang booooooom!!!!!!!!!!
Barkha: Excuse me are you hurt? Is that your cock? put it back for later!Are you choking with emotion to see splinters coming out of your mum`s arse?
Victim: Hey fatty thats a nice butt....Just saw Kasav coming at me and he flashed me and started shooting just because I laughed. Mummy just bent over to pick her toupee out from under Dad who copped it and just got her bum riddled the old girl is smiling she`s fine,get up mum its the fat bitch from NDTV ,stop shuffling!!
Whooooosh!!!!!frrrrrkt eeeeeeeeee ooooooooo!!!!
Barkha: Oh fuck cameraman sorry its the food at Leo`s man the chilly beef too much soda.Just pan away from me you retard I have a wedgie have to dig it out with my teeth.
Bang bang boom boom wham wham!!!!!!
Barkha: Thats one of them, fuck he`s hot,get a close up !!we`re on air? Bharka here on National Dyke TV I have just seen one of the terrorists. He`s wearing a blue langot which says `Kuber` hes got the cutest eyes and a big bulge in his pants.He is now jumping into the heritage block on his toes ever so gently.Pan to the left and theres another hes mounting the statue of JRD Tata woweeee this is so graphic.Hey pass me my jacket can`t let them know I`m flat chested quick!!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHH!!!! kRAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!
Barkha: Thats the Trident on fire now and theres a slight sense of alarm in the air. There are a couple of Polish men waving their sausages at me ,this is really spiffing!!! Excuse me are you a chef is that mozarella you are saving wow what a strong man you must be.Hello is that your real hair? its slightly singed you`re on NationalDyke TV..What do you mean I `m blocking the rear entrance cant you be polite?Theres a plume of smoke from the other building now someones baking cookies yummmy .....
HUP 2 3 4 HUP 2 3 4
Barkha: The NSG are here in black get a spot on them. Ok thats super, highlight the helmets wow well done.Okay the NSG are in the building playing in the kitchen with eggbeaters which are right near the coffee machines. Cool the Marcos are just next to the windows outside room 612 and ooops how the hell did the terrorists know about that rope?!!!!! I cannot say where Aargh Aargh is he is so nimble hes a man oos so nimble, can never tell you where he is. `Ha ha tsk tsk hes under my salwar playing with my pubes`.` Stop!!! Aargh we can scissor later`. Let me tell the doting public that our top cops are in the same car all at once. Its a black Indigo with Lumax taking the first corner OOOOOOOOOO!!!! It was an Indigo and they were our top cops...
Barkha: Mr. Tata do you think we will be able to scissor on the 6th floor anytime soon? How many hostages you think are wearing speedo costumes?Is room service still active Ratan ?I need tampons period....
Barkha: What did you see when the terrorist came close and mooned your parents?Were you shocked did you panic at the amount of hair you saw?Did you finish your meal?Tsk tsk waster!!!
Barkha: We have covered these events for 62 hours I have`nt had a bath or shat in that time please permit me to break wind whooooooooooooosh!!!!! Thanks now thats out of the way I must tell you that WE THE PEOPLE is on air from St.Xaviers in the evening be there or be square... Also P. Chiddu is now Home Minister he will be the first such minister to be dressed in the barest minimum as it will not impede his ability to make quick decisions.With this we wrap up our segment on trysts with terror a small but poignant incident.
This twit is armed and dangerous please be aware that inane reporting and grandstanding is no different from the apathy shown by our moronic politicians.
Jai Hind
Floyd Fernandes
Barkha: Excuse me are you hurt? Is that your cock? put it back for later!Are you choking with emotion to see splinters coming out of your mum`s arse?
Victim: Hey fatty thats a nice butt....Just saw Kasav coming at me and he flashed me and started shooting just because I laughed. Mummy just bent over to pick her toupee out from under Dad who copped it and just got her bum riddled the old girl is smiling she`s fine,get up mum its the fat bitch from NDTV ,stop shuffling!!
Whooooosh!!!!!frrrrrkt eeeeeeeeee ooooooooo!!!!
Barkha: Oh fuck cameraman sorry its the food at Leo`s man the chilly beef too much soda.Just pan away from me you retard I have a wedgie have to dig it out with my teeth.
Bang bang boom boom wham wham!!!!!!
Barkha: Thats one of them, fuck he`s hot,get a close up !!we`re on air? Bharka here on National Dyke TV I have just seen one of the terrorists. He`s wearing a blue langot which says `Kuber` hes got the cutest eyes and a big bulge in his pants.He is now jumping into the heritage block on his toes ever so gently.Pan to the left and theres another hes mounting the statue of JRD Tata woweeee this is so graphic.Hey pass me my jacket can`t let them know I`m flat chested quick!!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHH!!!! kRAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!
Barkha: Thats the Trident on fire now and theres a slight sense of alarm in the air. There are a couple of Polish men waving their sausages at me ,this is really spiffing!!! Excuse me are you a chef is that mozarella you are saving wow what a strong man you must be.Hello is that your real hair? its slightly singed you`re on NationalDyke TV..What do you mean I `m blocking the rear entrance cant you be polite?Theres a plume of smoke from the other building now someones baking cookies yummmy .....
HUP 2 3 4 HUP 2 3 4
Barkha: The NSG are here in black get a spot on them. Ok thats super, highlight the helmets wow well done.Okay the NSG are in the building playing in the kitchen with eggbeaters which are right near the coffee machines. Cool the Marcos are just next to the windows outside room 612 and ooops how the hell did the terrorists know about that rope?!!!!! I cannot say where Aargh Aargh is he is so nimble hes a man oos so nimble, can never tell you where he is. `Ha ha tsk tsk hes under my salwar playing with my pubes`.` Stop!!! Aargh we can scissor later`. Let me tell the doting public that our top cops are in the same car all at once. Its a black Indigo with Lumax taking the first corner OOOOOOOOOO!!!! It was an Indigo and they were our top cops...
Barkha: Mr. Tata do you think we will be able to scissor on the 6th floor anytime soon? How many hostages you think are wearing speedo costumes?Is room service still active Ratan ?I need tampons period....
Barkha: What did you see when the terrorist came close and mooned your parents?Were you shocked did you panic at the amount of hair you saw?Did you finish your meal?Tsk tsk waster!!!
Barkha: We have covered these events for 62 hours I have`nt had a bath or shat in that time please permit me to break wind whooooooooooooosh!!!!! Thanks now thats out of the way I must tell you that WE THE PEOPLE is on air from St.Xaviers in the evening be there or be square... Also P. Chiddu is now Home Minister he will be the first such minister to be dressed in the barest minimum as it will not impede his ability to make quick decisions.With this we wrap up our segment on trysts with terror a small but poignant incident.
This twit is armed and dangerous please be aware that inane reporting and grandstanding is no different from the apathy shown by our moronic politicians.
Jai Hind
Floyd Fernandes
Monday, December 1, 2008
Aargh Aargh Pott Hill and his ilk....
Once upon a time in a small clean hut on a hill of saboodana vadas a little manoos was born to Mr. and Mrs. Pott Hill.Little Aargh Aargh had no penis and had a small pair of balls which hung like apologetic limboos. With this handicap the young lad grew into a squat ugly fuck who thought that it was normal to squirt lemon juice every time he watched the local tamaasha.
His hatred for women and men with penises grew and he vowed to get even with the world.Aargh aargh studied the local literature and imbibed the vibe of the motherland till he soiled his pants regularly. He was the state record holder for the number of puran polis he could stuff up his arse.Filled with the local snack he would longingly watch his neighbour Mughda play with herself and felt his lil balls vibrate. One day he though to himself I must scissor her....Later in jail for trying to scissor his neighbour Aargh decided enough was enough.
He bought himself a slingshot, a pair of khaki shorts and set of to Bombay where lo behold he found a set of people in his image. Over steaming cups of tea the dip shit from the heartland vowed to turn the seedy metropolis into the spitting image of his home town Bhyenchothnagar. In time the young idealist became a powerful man oos only aim was to make Bombay a clean city where people could not party, have fun,fuck,attend rock concerts,drink alcohol,smoke etc.He wanted to introduce people to the joys of kho kho, mallakhamb,scissoring,puran poli arse stuffing galas,and other such manhoos pleasures. He now wore virginal white and lingerie from Kaustubh Nalawde exclusively. He shut down bars and scissored bar girls till he was blue in the face, he was the MAN....
Then one night in November a group of men from Valhalla arrived in Bombay in boats of rubber. They shot my brothers in the streets,in hotels, railway stations and maimed my city in the most cruel and barbaric way possible.Bombay was grey for 62 hours and will be hostage for a great deal longer.
The aftermath saw television plead for public anger,host shows with famous celebrities spewing venom and a plethora of ideas for improving civic management.Simi,Shobha,Suhel and many such esses with tears in their eyes and active dildos in their pants waxed eloquent on how outraged they were.
Aha aha where the fuck was Aargh aargh? There he was with a wedgie hiding with his security all around him and telling a channel how shit happens and lets forget all this, its the norm in a big city.He heard that the villains wanted 5000 of my brothers dead and hey whats the big deal we stopped them well short.Lets scissor he said scratching his balls and looking longingly at his well hung bodyguard.Hey Vilarse he shouted is`nt that your gay son with Ram Gopal Verma? What the fuck are they doing on the ground floor of the Taj. The rooms on the 2nd floor are fine let them scissor away thats the only way we can tide this over free love...
ARE WE GOING TO HAVE THIS SHIT LACED SONS OF BITCHES,THESE ANTI SECULAR BASTARDS RULE? Do we see no matter how stupidly I have written this its almost 100% true?Please donate a strand of your pubic hair at strategic drop boxes so I can make this braided garland for Aargh Aargh Pott Hill and reward him for his caring behaviour.
Jai Hind
Floyd Fernandes
His hatred for women and men with penises grew and he vowed to get even with the world.Aargh aargh studied the local literature and imbibed the vibe of the motherland till he soiled his pants regularly. He was the state record holder for the number of puran polis he could stuff up his arse.Filled with the local snack he would longingly watch his neighbour Mughda play with herself and felt his lil balls vibrate. One day he though to himself I must scissor her....Later in jail for trying to scissor his neighbour Aargh decided enough was enough.
He bought himself a slingshot, a pair of khaki shorts and set of to Bombay where lo behold he found a set of people in his image. Over steaming cups of tea the dip shit from the heartland vowed to turn the seedy metropolis into the spitting image of his home town Bhyenchothnagar. In time the young idealist became a powerful man oos only aim was to make Bombay a clean city where people could not party, have fun,fuck,attend rock concerts,drink alcohol,smoke etc.He wanted to introduce people to the joys of kho kho, mallakhamb,scissoring,puran poli arse stuffing galas,and other such manhoos pleasures. He now wore virginal white and lingerie from Kaustubh Nalawde exclusively. He shut down bars and scissored bar girls till he was blue in the face, he was the MAN....
Then one night in November a group of men from Valhalla arrived in Bombay in boats of rubber. They shot my brothers in the streets,in hotels, railway stations and maimed my city in the most cruel and barbaric way possible.Bombay was grey for 62 hours and will be hostage for a great deal longer.
The aftermath saw television plead for public anger,host shows with famous celebrities spewing venom and a plethora of ideas for improving civic management.Simi,Shobha,Suhel and many such esses with tears in their eyes and active dildos in their pants waxed eloquent on how outraged they were.
Aha aha where the fuck was Aargh aargh? There he was with a wedgie hiding with his security all around him and telling a channel how shit happens and lets forget all this, its the norm in a big city.He heard that the villains wanted 5000 of my brothers dead and hey whats the big deal we stopped them well short.Lets scissor he said scratching his balls and looking longingly at his well hung bodyguard.Hey Vilarse he shouted is`nt that your gay son with Ram Gopal Verma? What the fuck are they doing on the ground floor of the Taj. The rooms on the 2nd floor are fine let them scissor away thats the only way we can tide this over free love...
ARE WE GOING TO HAVE THIS SHIT LACED SONS OF BITCHES,THESE ANTI SECULAR BASTARDS RULE? Do we see no matter how stupidly I have written this its almost 100% true?Please donate a strand of your pubic hair at strategic drop boxes so I can make this braided garland for Aargh Aargh Pott Hill and reward him for his caring behaviour.
Jai Hind
Floyd Fernandes
Sunday, November 30, 2008
After much discussions and ado we now have pricks like Saaaanjayyyy Jumaaaneee fuck knows how many names he`s mutilated telling us how Mumbai is numerologically doomed.Hundreds of auxillary parasitic businesses will now be floated and our homo manoos will stop ghasaoing bhandees and turn armchair analysts and brilliant NRI`s with perfect hindsight will hold court and tell us how the NSG commandos had such inadequate gear.Listen bhenchoths we pay our dues to the exchequer and brave bad roads and inadequate toothless governance now YOU listen to us....
Firstly before allocating funds to protect these bastards who wear white like some one has shagged all over them withdraw every ounce of security to these the scum of the earth.Now aggregate all the Diwali bonuses, bribes and unpaid electricity bills that these algae have accumulated and pay the MOSSAD to train our boys to their full potential. We really don`t know it all please ask those who have lived in terror and have learned the hard way.Don`t know how the fuck a deputy CM can make frivolous remarks when he has spent most of his time with his hands up bar girls skirts.Theres little to learn about ambushes there bushes sure.. but come on people lets torch this motherfucker please.
Next all the sons of the soil who have done nothing but get their women to work while they masturbate at home GET A LIFE.
Our wonderful city is a model of secularism and if somebody tells me I`m an outsider because of my religion(ha ha ha) or origin just try and get me to leave just TRY.
To the tyrannical Sena who basically are the batata wada brigade ha ha ha ha ha you bloody cowards did`nt see a single kabbadi team or jhunka bhakri fart out of you arseholes.Learn humility and tolerance and understanding. Remember it was just 10 boys with single point agendas who could have come to Bandra(East) and played with your tiny manoos testicles and then shot your arseholes full of lead.Shut your mouths and stick to exchanging recipes on garlic chutney and usaal pao don`t fuck with our beleaguered system its fucking irritating.
Please help our policemen at nakabandis and be courteous dont take U turns and bolt because you don`t have a helmet.Remember we need to improve our awareness all the time this is imperative.
Symbolically the Gateway was mute witness to an entry by terrorists and completely unsecured.While Z security guarded bald superstars with wigs, viagra quaffing politicos and other such unmentionables our city virtually keeled over to a vicious barbaric agenda.
Treat this as a rant of a really sad Mumbaikar who wants his city to stop bleeding please consider the fact that a change in attitude is A-CRITICAL.
Jai Hind and lots of love
Floyd Fernandes
Firstly before allocating funds to protect these bastards who wear white like some one has shagged all over them withdraw every ounce of security to these the scum of the earth.Now aggregate all the Diwali bonuses, bribes and unpaid electricity bills that these algae have accumulated and pay the MOSSAD to train our boys to their full potential. We really don`t know it all please ask those who have lived in terror and have learned the hard way.Don`t know how the fuck a deputy CM can make frivolous remarks when he has spent most of his time with his hands up bar girls skirts.Theres little to learn about ambushes there bushes sure.. but come on people lets torch this motherfucker please.
Next all the sons of the soil who have done nothing but get their women to work while they masturbate at home GET A LIFE.
Our wonderful city is a model of secularism and if somebody tells me I`m an outsider because of my religion(ha ha ha) or origin just try and get me to leave just TRY.
To the tyrannical Sena who basically are the batata wada brigade ha ha ha ha ha you bloody cowards did`nt see a single kabbadi team or jhunka bhakri fart out of you arseholes.Learn humility and tolerance and understanding. Remember it was just 10 boys with single point agendas who could have come to Bandra(East) and played with your tiny manoos testicles and then shot your arseholes full of lead.Shut your mouths and stick to exchanging recipes on garlic chutney and usaal pao don`t fuck with our beleaguered system its fucking irritating.
Please help our policemen at nakabandis and be courteous dont take U turns and bolt because you don`t have a helmet.Remember we need to improve our awareness all the time this is imperative.
Symbolically the Gateway was mute witness to an entry by terrorists and completely unsecured.While Z security guarded bald superstars with wigs, viagra quaffing politicos and other such unmentionables our city virtually keeled over to a vicious barbaric agenda.
Treat this as a rant of a really sad Mumbaikar who wants his city to stop bleeding please consider the fact that a change in attitude is A-CRITICAL.
Jai Hind and lots of love
Floyd Fernandes
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